So, I havent "blogged" since my livejournal days, yeeeeeeaaaaaaars ago. I generally don't express myself well face to face with people because I'm too shy and afraid to hurt the ones I love with the truth (or my opinion). Text has always been my outlet so why not, right? Most people who've met me from the internet are blown away by how completely shy I am in person vs. online; which is probably why I have but a few friends although in my post-teen years I was quite the social butterfly. I suppose I will use this blog to vent my current emotions but I am going to use the first post to give anyone who is interested a peek into this boring yet crazy life of mine!
About Me <--(yes I will summarize) ...Born in Osceola, Arkansas September 1, 1979. I had one red curl that stood up when I was born and my mother cried for 2 weeks because she wanted a black haired boy (both parents are black headed; grey now). I suffer from an extreme case of Middle Child Syndrome. I have an older sister, Starla and a younger brother, Shain - as well as a half-sister who is younger than my oldest son, Cassy - My Father decided waiting until Shain was 21 and he himself was past 50 that having another child was a good idea? Moving along, I resided in Arkansas til I was around 2 I suppose...about the same time that I learned that if my Mom did not give me my way I could hold my breath and pass out to get attention (horrible I know!). We then moved back to Caruthersville, Missouri (Where I lived my entire life thereafter) where Mom & Dad lived when they met each other as teenagers. I had both sets of grandparents although my grandpa on my dads side was a lousy excuse for one, I sure loved my granny and she loved all of us grandkids!
She died a couple of years after this picture, long before I was old enough to really get to know the beautiful lady that I called granny, Nadine Schoolcraft (RIP!). Then there were 3. Moving on...Growing up we did not have a lot of friends, just few in the neighborhood who moved in and out (Cville isnt known for families staying long with no roots there) of our lives and of course the kids we went to church with. Did I mention my mothers parents (Maw & Paw) were the Pastor & Pastors' wife at the only Pentecostal church in town? If not, it will explain a lof of my life choices ;-) I spent 10 years at 919 Beckwith and they were most likely the best 10 years of my first 20 in life despite that after 8 years there my parents divorced. I have no doubt in my mind that I took it harder than my sister and brother. Starla was vocal, Shain lashed out (as a boy would) but I withdrew inside myself. I did not talk about it to friends (at 12 I had a couple close ones) or family. I stayed in my bedroom and read books or listened to my radio all day and night. I organized my book shelf by Alphabet, Date copyrighted, whatever seemed to fit my mood it didnt matter i'd spend hours doing it. No "normal" pre-teen back then stayed home and inside all summer long. They went out and played spotlight at dusk and rode bikes all over town. I kinda knew then I wasn't the fitting in type. Food and sleep, who needed it when you had music and literature? Anyways, 10 years there. Would have been at least 18 easily had it not burned to the ground the summer I turned 14 and we were at my dads in TN and Mom was at her boyfriends house an hour away from ours. Electrical wiring problems in moms room which was center of the house. We lost everything we had except the clothes we took to dads for the weekend. Nothing like hearing your dads landline (didnt have cells then just the cigg lighter cellulars then) ring at 3am (of course I was awake, I was reading!) and it being an operator with your Aunt Kim on the other end trying to find out if this is Ronnie Schoolcraft's residence because our house is on fire. Dad packed us up in the car and drove the 2 hours back to MO instantly. By the time we got there it was foundation and smoke lingering. [wonder how many people are still reading this!] Rumor has it that it may not have been so bad had they not kicked the door in (oxygen making it worse or w/e) because the first fireman on the scene was a family friend and Starla's mustang was in the driveway so they thought we were in the house and wanted to get to us. Plus the hydrants down the road were not giving good water pressure or something along those lines. Anyways, after that we re-located to Sikeston (where moms bf lived). I hated it there. I had no friends they were all back in Cville! I would write letters, take trips back with my Sister who was 16 already and all i had was a permit. After months of depression I convinced my Mom to let me move in with Maw & Paw, she agreed. I stayed with them for a while then with my Dad who had finally moved back to MO once he re-married. Mom finally moved closer to Cville (20 mins away) and I moved back "home". Somewhere in all of this the private school I attended for 5 years closed down and I spent 2 months of my SR year in public school. It was foreign to me so i quit and went to work full time at Hardees' at the age of 17. There I met my "first love" Chris around the end of 1996. I was 17, he was 24. Long story short, I was no longer a virgin and had one of my hardest life lessons then. In a few short months I got pregnant, dumped and lost a baby and saw him across the street from my grandmother with his new girlfriend. 1997 will never be a favorite year of mine and you won't hear me discuss it often at all. Two years later I walked into Dyersburg (TN) State University, paid the $ to take my GED test and passed. January of 1999 I moved to Kansas and enrolled in College. My life was getting back on track finally! I had a few friends there, plus friends of friends that kept me busy and laughing, plus a boyfriend and another guy I was interested in as well (slutty I know!). March 2nd I spent the night at my friend Jasey's house about 20 miles away from campus. Jasey and I were up til around 4am then I drove back to my dorm room. Around 7am my phone was ringing and it was my cousin, Jeremy saying I needed to call Mawmaw. "Duane fell into the river. They can't find his body" <-words you can't ever unhear. Duane was my 20 year old brother-in-law - Starla's husband and 11 month old Alexis' dad. I arrange for my boyfriend to take me to Wichita (2 hours away) b/c it was closest airport. Flight leaves at 6am the next day - March 4th. I am up all day upset, bawling, packing. I stay the night with Shaun at his grandmothers since she lived in Wichita. I stayed up all night because I knew if I slept I'd miss my flight. By the time I land in Memphis around 10am March 4th I'd been up 2 plus days on 3 hours sleep. Needless to say, I stayed home almost a month. they finally found his body on March 11th after 9 days of dragging the river - where he fell in! Seeing your older sister cry and talk about how she comes home from work and hollars for him to tell him how her day at work was, but he's not there, that's heartbreaking. I cant imagine even in the slightest how hard that has to be. To kiss the man you love goodbye before work and in a matter of hours have your entire world crash down on you. I woulda needed the sedatives & therapy too! I went back to KS shortly after he was laid to rest even though I didn't want to. I was needed at home! After that, school wasnt so appealing. I quit and moved to Wichita to live with friends and started dating the guy I had a crush on (previously stated). Troy and I were together for roughly 2 years and eventually lived together. Eventually though, it was over. He moved out and I moved back to Caruthersville. December 8 of 2001 I met my [ex] husband to be - Michael Livingston. Feb 8, 2002 EPT confirmed what my body was already telling me. I was 6wks pregnant with Lansten Michael Livingston - born 9-30-02 (I have 1st day of Sept bday, he has last!) Somewhere in those 9 months I learned that you can talk shit to friends all you want because until you are IN the abusive relationship you dont really know wtf you are talking about. Being red-headed I'm short tempered and stubborn (some would say strong as an ox) and no one in my family would EVER have guessed I was being pushed and hit like a punching bag behind closed doors - and taking it! I would leave and go right back like an idiot. I even married him when I was 7 months pregnant. He was changed and so sorry! Til a month later. Who does that to a woman pregnant with their child? Or tells someone they're lucky its a boy because if it were a girl he'd kill you both? I tolerated it for about another year then I finally left and stayed gone. Got a restraining order and moved from Sikeston to Caruthersville to get away from him. Lansten got sick, Mike came down and stayed the night. Around late August I started not being able to keep anything I ate down...9 months later I had Brayden Alexander Livingston. Needless to say, Mike wasn't around for this one. My brother ran him out of town after he got abusive with me during 1st trimester, when miscarriage is easiest to happen. He was however there for the birth and wanted to stay, give it another chance. That lasted 3 months. He'd never been physical infront of lansten until then. Being pinned down and told that your 2 year old is about to watch you die while your newborn is asleep beside you is a deal breaker. The next day my brother and two cousins took matters into their own hands and beat the crap out of him and sent him on his way. A couple of broken ribs with the threat that if he even LOOKS @ Caruthersville city limits again it will be worse is enough to keep him away. As soon as I could afford it, I filed for divorce. I spent the next few years being a single mother & doing the best I could by my boys. I wasn't perfect, who is? Fast Forward - Lansten is now 8 1/2 and Brayden just turned 6 two months ago. I have went back to school (years ago) and earned 2 degrees. I now hold an Associates in Business Administration and a Bachelors in Information Technology (computer systems) and am the Human Resource Director for White & Associates Home Assistance, Inc. I am over two HR ladies in 2 other offices, plus mine. When it comes to HR what I say goes and they have to answer to me. It's kind of nice if I must say so myself. To sum it up [my life] I've been a sister, daughter, girlfriend, best friend, bad friend, wife, ex-wife, awful girlfriend, and a mother. Of all of these, I wouldn't change it. Isn't that what life is all about? Being the best and worst you can be. Living and learning?
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